TO SUBSCRIBE/UNSUBSCRIBE: Email: Norman@normantonelli.com

LIFE DESIGNS MONTHLY

WHY NOT YOU? THIS IS YOUR LIFE!
CREATE THE REMARKABLE LIFE YOU'VE BEEN LONGING FOR

FALL, 2006
Table of Contents:
~ A Welcome from Norman Tonelli, L.M.H.C.
~ Article – Grandparents Raising Grandchildren
~ Center Services

• Support Groups
• Testing
• Occupational Therapy

~ Questions and Answers
~ Monthly Exercise

 

Hello everyone. Happy fall. As always we at the West Brookfield Counselor are always looking for helpful and innovative ways to improve our services to you and this month holds no exception. We have been involved for a few months now in offering a support group and information opportunity for grandparents who find themselves as the primary caretakers for their grandchildren. The first group went well and this will hopefully be a continuing service for the future.

Pamela Sacks, a writer for the Worcester Telegram and Gazette, will be writing a feature article about this growing phenomenon and our involvement in it. The article and a corresponding video will begin to be created in my office on Monday, October 16th. The article should appear in late October or early November. I believe the video will at least appear on the Telegram and Gazette website.

The article in this month’s newsletter is a wonderful overview of this growing "client type," if you will, in our counseling center and centers across the country. As always, please contact our office for future group dates.

                                                  Norman Tonelli

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Article ~

Although the phenomenon of grandparents raising grandchildren is hardly new, it is an emerging social issue, which is garnering a great deal of media attention due to its impact on the welfare of our nation’s most vulnerable members. Since 1980, there have been dramatic increases in the number of children living with and being cared for by their grandparents. In 1980, 2.3 million (4%) children under 18 were living in a grandparent(s)' home. By 1996, 4 million (6%) were living in that situation. Over one-third of these children, or 1.4 million, were being raised solely by their grandparents, without the presence of either parent.

Whether because of teen pregnancy, substance abuse, child abuse or neglect, incarceration, military deployment, unemployment, homelessness, divorce, poverty, abandonment, family violence, mental illness, physical illness or death, biological parents of these children may not be able to care for them. Their grandparents—most of whom subsist on meager incomes--are called upon to provide for the basic food, shelter, and clothing needs for millions of our nation’s children. Due to advanced age, poor health, poverty, minimal education and lack of transportation, these grandparents are typically unable to provide the grandchildren in their care with much beyond their basic needs. Thus, the children continue to be at risk because their grandparents often have inadequate resources to raise them.

One common way to categorize grandparent caregivers is to divide them into three types. First are the custodial grandparents. These grandparents have legal custody of their grandchildren; they provide daily care and decision making tasks. Typically, severe problems existed in the child's nuclear family. The focus of this type of caregiving is on the grandchild and providing them with a sense of security.

The second type of grandparent caregivers are the "living with" grandparents. These grandparents provide daily care for their grandchildren, but do not have legal custody. The child's parent may or may not live in the home. These grandparents focus on providing an economically and emotionally stable environment for the child, and often on helping the parent. Because the grandparent does not possess legal custody, he or she has no way of protecting the child from an unsuitable or dangerous parent.

"Day care" grandparents are the third type of grandparent caregivers. Their focus is on helping the child's parent and on fulfilling their own needs. These grandparents tend to be least affected by their caretaking role because the children return home at the end of the day. They function closest to the societal definition of "grandparent."

For the grandparents, the full-time care of their grandchildren is sometimes a surprise; and almost always a return to responsibilities that they had thought were long past. Some grandparents are in their thirties or forties, but many are old enough to collect Social Security, and they have their share of aches and pains, as well as plans that usually have not included taking on childrearing again. Many grandparents faced with raising a grandchild experience ambivalent feelings. They become concerned about the welfare of their own child (the parent) as well as their grandchild. They also have to deal with the reality that taking on the responsibility of caring for a grandchild will turn their lives topsy-turvy. This decision is further influenced by their personality type, values, priorities, life circumstances, how much time and effort will be required to raise a grandchild, how much help and support they can count on from their family and society, their financial status, their health, housing situation, and the amount of responsibility assumed and/or authority they have.

Some grandparents perceive taking on a parental role late in life as a blessing and are grateful for the opportunity to form a deeper bond with their grandchild. Other grandparents while enjoying its pleasures, still resent the responsibility and attendant inconveniences that are involved in raising a grandchild. The health effects of raising a grandchild depend on the basic health and vitality of the grandparent.

You can expect a radical change in your lifestyle when you raise a grandchild full-time. If you have full, uninterrupted custody you will experience lifestyle changes that can affect your work life, friendships, daily activities and retirement plans. You will have to be involved with your grandchild's health, education and social life. If you are single, or have economic or health problems, you will need personal support as well as that of social service agencies. You will have to deal with the common issues grandparents are concerned about; their legal rights, attitudes of insurance companies toward insuring grandchildren, financial strain, health problems, dealing with parents, obtaining adequate school service for the grandchild.

The quality of your relationship with your grandchild’s parent and the terms of your arrangement with them will obviously impact dramatically on your degree of responsibility as your grandchild’s caretaker. For example, if you are parenting a child and grandchild at the same time, you will have constant, but varying, responsibility and authority because you have to act as a full-time parent and grandparent at the same time (Jendrek 1993).

You may have other grandchildren who need your attention too. If you are providing regular daycare while parents work, you can send your grandchild home at the end of the day. You can also provide "stop gap" respite care. For example, providing sanctuary for a teenager having difficulty with parents is a temporary situation that ends when parents and child are reunited.

Although grandparents raising a grandchild full-time recognize the life giving and energizing benefits of their position, they are also aware that the role can be time-consuming, fatiguing and often financially and emotionally burdensome. Support for grandparents raising grandchildren is vital for successful caretaking. Studies show that grandparents who cope well with their situation are those who seek out other family members and support groups to help them deal with their concerns. Others use their strong spiritual beliefs to bolster them. It is important that grandparents take care of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually to be effective caretakers of their grandchildren. Joining a local grandparent support group is a great way to get the latest information as well as support from grandparents who are in the same situation as you.

Resources for the Article:

National Center on Grandparent’s raising grandchildren

"The Grandparent Guide" (by Dr. Kornhaber) on "Raising Grandchildren"

Grandparents acting as Parents by:Holly S. Kleiner and Jodie Hertzog, Extension Assistants, and Dena B. Targ, Extension Specialist, Purdue University Cooperative Extension Service, January 1998

For more resources, please contact organizations such as Generations United or the AARP Information Center

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~ Advertisement ~

 

GRANDPARENTS AND GUARDIANS EFFECTIVELY RAISING CHILDREN SUPPORT GROUP

This group experience will teach you how to be the main influence in the child’s life and how to more effectively communicate with the child you are raising. You will strengthen your parental leadership skills and learn how to role model more effectively. You will also learn how to develop a more respectful relationship and acquire discipline techniques that work.

CALL TO REGISTER NOW!

NORMAN TONELLI @ (508) 867-4451

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SOCIAL SKILLS TRAINING FOR CHILDREN

These group experiences will teach your child to get along better with their peers and more effectively communicate with parents, teachers and other authority figures. They will also learn to understand all forms of communication such as gestures, body language, voice inflections, and figures of speech.

NEW GROUPS NOW FORMING FOR:

GRADES K – 3^rd, 4^th – 6^th and

GRADES 7^th – 9^th, 10^th –12^th

CALL NORMAN TONELLI @ (508) 867-4451 FOR DAYS, TIME AND COST INFORMATION

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

TESTING SERVICES NOW OFFERED

Do you have a child that has attention/concentration issues?

Do you suspect your child has memory or learning disabilities?

We are happy to announce that we are offering on-site educational, psychological and neuro-psychological testing by Mark D. Caron, Ph.D. He will be able to test your child and provide you with a detailed evaluation so that you can obtain the proper services to help your child succeed.

Call Dr. Caron for more information or to set up an appointment at

(508) 867-4491

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Occupational Therapy

We are now offering Occupational Therapy in our office, providing meaningful activities to help promote a child’s development and well-being by developing and restoring important motor, social and cognitive skills. Anyone interested in receiving short or long term services for their child, please call Amy O’Coin, Certified Occupational Therapist, to get additional information or schedule appointments.

 

Amy O’Coin is currently accepting Mass Health, Blue Cross and Harvard Pilgrim Insurance.

Fallon Insurance is pending and should be finalized soon.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~Client Questions and Answers~

Question: Dear Norman: Can grandparents still be grandparents when taking on the parental role? – Marie H.

Answer: Dear Marie: By "grandparents" I assume that you mean the traditional "spoil them and send them home" sort of role. This question could require an article of it's own, but let me briefly try to answer it. Grandparents raising their grandchildren take on more of a traditional parent role than a grandparent role. As the article discloses, issues like health care, homework, chores, curfews, and overall life organization and discipline challenges become part of the new grandparenting role. In that case, "grandparents still being grandparents," is actually dramatically changed.

Question: Dear Norman: I’m worried that I can not provide enough care for my grandchild as his own parents would. – Andrea M.

Answer: Hi Andrea: Well, I have always felt that in the final analysis, bond, communication, structure and healthy family boundaries are the building blocks of successful parenting, whether you are a custodial grandparent, foster parent, adoptive parent or birth parent. If you work at providing these parenting staples, a grandparent can and often does provide a better quality of care.

Question: Dear Norman: We are currently involved in a custody battle over our grandchildren. How do we best protect them from the drama and tension. – Mark & Karen B.

Answer: Dear Mark & Karen: There are a few steadfast rules to doing this effectively:

1) Do not speak negatively about the child's birth parents, in either direct ways or through implied gestures.

2) Follow visitation guidelines very accurately.

3) Try to keep all communications between both parties constructive. Don't get into a "Mudslinging" sort of scenario.

4) Continue to focus on the best interest of the children, not "winning the battle" so to speak.

 

Email Norman at: Norman@normantonelli.com with questions you would like answered.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~Exercise For The Month~

Proactively list and plan to execute as many bond building activities, communication opportunities, structure and balanced family rules regularly. These as mentioned above, are the building blocks of a great parental relationship of any kind.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In addition to this monthly newsletter, you can find a variety of other information, including upcoming events at my websites:
www.normantonelli.com and www.parentleader.net

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

We love to hear from you!
Please give your feedback to: Norman@normantonelli.com Thanks.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All rights reserved. (c) 2006 Norman Tonelli L.M.H.C.

 

 

 

CALL OR E-MAIL TODAY FOR YOUR FREE SESSION.