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LIFE DESIGNS MONTHLY

WHY NOT YOU? THIS IS YOUR LIFE!
CREATE THE REMARKABLE LIFE YOU'VE BEEN LONGING FOR

JULY, 2006
Table of Contents:
~ A Welcome from Norman Tonelli, L.M.H.C.
~ Article – Minimizing the Need for "No"
~ Center Services

• Support Groups
• Testing
• Occupational Therapy

~ Questions and Answers
~ Monthly Exercise

 

Hi everyone. Happy summer. This is absolutely my time of year. Biking, kayaking, beaching…mowing, mowing and mowing. This newsletter is about the feature article and the exciting groups and services that we are offering now and in the near future. Take a look. We are constantly trying to identify the counseling needs of our community and address those needs in a very friendly, personal and professionally excellent manner. This article expresses the basic principle that to raise children optimally, you need to set absolute boundaries and then give many acceptable choices within those boundaries. The metaphor that I've always liked is imagining that your children are raised within a yard with a fence that they must stay within, while giving many exciting choices within the fenced in area.

 

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~ Article ~

Minimizing the need for "no" - Perspectives on Parenting

Pediatrics for Parents by Michael K. Meyerhoff

It is probably one of the more alarming, annoying, and frustrating periods for parents. After a year-and-a-half or so of dealing with a gregarious and generally compliant baby, they are suddenly confronted with a defiant and determined toddler. It seems that all of a sudden, every instruction, admonition, or request they issue to the little one is met with a resounding "No!"

The fact that this is a common occurrence among all families is not particularly comforting. Most parents can't prevent themselves from taking their child's resistant attitude personally at least to a certain extent. Taken off guard, many mothers and fathers often begin with a general policy of appeasement, hoping this "phase" will soon pass. But sooner or later, they decide to "get tough" and react with equal intolerance. The result is usually a situation in which the parents and child routinely find themselves engaged in a "battle of wills" or "power struggle" that tends to be as unproductive as it is unpleasant for everyone involved.

While it may be impossible to eliminate this entirely, an understanding of the underlying developmental issues may enable mothers and fathers to reduce the need for this sort of confrontation considerably. It helps to realize that during the first three months of life, the baby was not a "social" creature at all. She wasn't really sure where she ended and someone else began, and consequently had no sense of "self" and "others" at all. Once this sense developed, the baby became an incredibly delightful partner in social interactions. However, at this point, she wasn't quite an equal partner. Although she enjoyed interactions immensely, with the exception of crying in distress, she was essentially a passive player in the game -- responding well, but relying on other people to initiate interpersonal activity.

Then, as she entered the second half of the first year, the baby began to understand some of the basics of social interaction. For example, she realized that by rolling a ball to someone, she could "get the ball rolling" herself and didn't have to wait for someone else to start the festivities. She also started to learn increasingly more about the "give and take" involved in pursuing mutually enjoyable exchanges with fellow members of the species. As she approached the middle of the second year of life, her sense of self and greater comprehension combined to produce an amazing epiphany. For the first time, she recognized that she had the ability to go far beyond passive, and even beyond active -- she actually had "power" in social situations. By exercising and imposing her will, she had the power to control others and make them dance to her tune.

While her social capacities had been exciting up to this point, they now became absolutely intoxicating. Power is something special, and human beings find its allure irresistible. Once you realize you have power, it is virtually impossible to refrain from using this power as much as you can. Think about it. Suppose you woke up one morning and realized you had the power to fly. Would you say to yourself, "That's nice, I'll have to check it out later when I get home from work". No. Immediately, you would be compelled to test the limits of your newfound ability. How high can you fly? How fast can you fly? How far can you fly? Can you do a loop-de-loop?

Psychologically, the toddler is similarly compelled to put her social power to the test as well. Her employment of the "No!" at this point in development does not reflect a sudden disapproval of her parents who had been her best friends for so long, but rather an intense fascination with something she has just discovered about herself. So, how should mothers and fathers deal with such "negativism" in their toddlers? Well, appeasement is not a recommended technique. Although it is important that the child come to understand she is an autonomous human being with the right to control her life to a reasonable extent, it is equally important she understand that she is not the boss. When appeasement is practiced, the child merely learns she can do whatever she wants and can have whatever she wants, and this typically leads to "the terrible twos" and constant "temper tantrums" when the child is subsequently denied her requests or subjected to any kind of control.

On the other hand, it is not wise to crush the child's spirit. While she may not be the boss, she still is a cherished, valuable, and respected member of the family. And it is critical that she learn to use her personal power in socially responsible ways. Therefore, the trick is to give her plenty of opportunities to exercise control, but to ensure that those opportunities are appropriate. In other words, whenever possible, mothers and fathers should strive to set up situations where they have established proper parameters, but have left enough flexibility to permit their toddlers to "fly around a little" within the general limitations they have imposed. While it is not possible to do this all the time, with a bit of foresight and ingenuity, parents may be able to transform many traditionally confrontational interchanges into instances where their child can be "in control" without having to oppose their authority.

Of course, getting through this period of "negativism" with a minimal number of unpleasant parent-child confrontations is not easy and requires some careful planning. The following are typical situations where parents can avoid unnecessary problems by allowing their toddler to exercise suitable options herself rather than demanding she respond to direct instructions or requests.

Dressing

Rather than selecting a specific outfit, lay out several suitable articles of clothing and permit the child to pick the ones she prefers (even if her "mix and match" efforts result in an unattractive combination).

Bathing

Let the child be in charge of the order in which her body parts are cleaned. Instead of saying, "We're going to do your ears now," simply ask, "What should we wash first?" and, "What next?"

Feeding

To the extent possible, allow the child to participate in planning the menu for each meal. For example, you can say, "We're having chicken and string beans tonight. Do you want mashed potatoes or rice with that?"

Shopping

Give the child a chance to select appropriate options within basic categories. For example, one can say, "We're not getting cookies or candy today, but we are getting ice cream. What do you think? Should we get vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry?"

Bedtime Routines

Lay out the steps that are required (such as changing into pajamas, using the toilet, brushing teeth, etc.), but let the child decide in which order they will take place. If a story-reading session is included, allow the child to choose the book -- even if it is the same one she chose the night before and the night before that and the night before that.

Play Activities

Offer the child as many "equipment" and "area" choices as possible. For example, rather than saying, "Go to your room and play with your blocks," one can say, "You can play with your blocks or your dolls or your crayons -- which do you want? You can play with them in your room or here in the kitchen with me -- it's up to you."

Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D., is executive director of The Epicenter Inc., "The Education for Parenthood Information Center," a family advisory and advocacy agency located in Lindenhurst, Illinois.

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~ Advertisement ~

 

GRANDPARENTS AND GUARDIANS EFFECTIVELY RAISING CHILDREN

SUPPORT GROUP

This group experience will teach you how to be the main influence in the child’s life and how to more effectively communicate with the child you are raising. You will strengthen your parental leadership skills and learn how to role model more effectively. You will also learn how to develop a more respectful relationship and acquire discipline techniques that work.

Starting Wed., 7/26/06, 6:45 – 7:45 p.m.

CALL TO REGISTER NOW!

NORMAN TONELLI @ (508) 867-4451

 

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SOCIAL SKILLS TRAINING FOR CHILDREN

These group experiences will teach your child to get along better with their peers and more effectively communicate with parents, teachers and other authority figures. They will also learn to understand all forms of communication such as gestures, body language, voice inflections, and figures of speech.

NEW GROUPS NOW FORMING STARTING FOR:

K – 6^TH GRADES

7^TH – 12^TH GRADES

CALL NORMAN TONELLI @ (508) 867-4451 FOR DAYS, TIME AND COST INFORMATION

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TESTING SERVICES NOW OFFERED

Do you have a child that has attention/concentration issues?

Do you suspect your child has memory or learning disabilities?

We are happy to announce that we are offering on-site educational, psychological and neuro-psychological testing by Mark D. Caron, Ph.D. He will be able to test your child and provide you with a detailed evaluation so that you can obtain the proper services to help your child succeed.

We also offer an educational support group for parents of children with attention and concentration issues that meet every other week.

Call Dr. Caron for more information or to set up an appointment at

(508) 867-4491

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Occupational Therapy

We are now offering Occupational Therapy in our office, providing meaningful activities to help promote a child’s development and well-being by developing and restoring important motor, social and cognitive skills. Anyone interested in receiving short or long term services for their child, please call Amy O’Coin, Certified Occupational Therapist, to get additional information or schedule appointments.

 

Amy O’Coin is currently accepting Mass Health and Harvard Pilgrim Insurance.

Fallon and Blue Cross are pending and should be finalized soon.

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~Client Questions and Answers~

Question: Dear Norman: How do I change the "power struggle" that I have with my teenager? – Roger F.

Answer: Dear Roger: This is obviously a more complicated subject that needs more information and time than this answer can give, but basically in keeping with the feature article above, make a list of the non-negotiable rules and then offer as many choices within the "fence" so to speak. This actually mimics the world that we as adults must learn to negotiate.

Question: Dear Norman: How do I effectively teach my child by not giving in and appeasing her every whim when my sister who we spend lots of time with lets her kids do and have whatever they want? – Lori K.

Answer: Hi Lori: In the final analysis, we are all raising our children amongst other families who allow or give more or less that we choose to or can. Developing an operating system (your family) that has an independent "fence" so to speak, is our task. Make sure that your own nuclear family has an independent existence of its own. Don’t let too much of your sister’s family "leak" into yours. Strengthen the definition and rules of your own family amongst that of your sisters or the worlds for that matter.

Question: Dear Norman: How does the testing that is performed at your center differ from school testing and under what conditions would you recommend neuro-psychological testing for a child? – Martha T.

Answer: Dear Martha: Generally speaking, our testing is more all encompassing. We have a psychological and educational evaluation realm, while schools very often concentrate solely on the educational realm. One of the common reasons to administer a neurological testing battery is when the suspicion of attention deficit disorder may be present. This testing offers much more data than the questionnaires that are commonly used to make the diagnosis.

Email Norman at: Norman@normantonelli.com with questions you would like answered. 

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~Exercise For The Month~

Draw a line down the center of a piece of paper. Make a list of the non-negotiable rules that your child must follow on the left side of the paper. Then on the other side of the page, list all of the optional, debatable or choice-oriented items in your child's life. Showing your child this will visually explain the "fence" theory I've stated above, while demonstrating to them that they actually have many choices in their life amongst the non-negotiable "rules."

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In addition to this monthly newsletter, you can find a variety of other information, including upcoming events at my websites:
www.normantonelli.com and www.parentleader.net

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We love to hear from you!
Please give your feedback to: Norman@normantonelli.com Thanks.
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All rights reserved. (c) 2006 Norman Tonelli L.M.H.C.

 

 

 

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