TO LEAD YOUR CHILD THEY MUST FIRST KNOW THAT YOU'RE COMMITTED TO THEM 

By: Norman Tonelli, L.M.H.C.

As a practicing mental health counselor for many years, a law of nature and parenting became increasingly clear to me as my experience grew. Over and over I experienced the same phenomenon happening in blended or stepfamilies specifically. Recently divorced mom meets a new man in her life. In time she introduces the new man to her children. In time they get married. And after a while new step dad begins to attempt to parent mom’s child and becomes seriously rejected. The child’s response basically implies or literally states, " Your not my real father and I don’t have to listen to you." There are scores of reasons that this happens, but one of the leading reasons is as follows. Until the child knows in their bones that this man is committed to them, deeply cares about them, and that his commitment is not contingent on his relationship with their mother (this is crucial), they simply will not allow him to parent them.

The child is not being merely oppositional. In my opinion, he or she is following a basic law of nature, which seems to operate in all arenas. It states, "I won’t follow you or allow you to control my life in any way until I am sure that you are committed to me." It almost seems to be as engrained as the survival instinct itself. Many parents, whether they are biological, step, or foster parents very often make this mistake.

What does this imply? It implies that in order to assume a leadership/influential role in your child’s life, first you must show them that their lives are paramount to you and that you will never leave them. That actually comes across in the "knowing" that exists within a child that an impenetrable bond exists. That bond, although it is primarily a feeling, has been formed by the life situations and actions that demonstrate love and commitment. This bond can’t be bought or acquired with a few good deeds. It comes when the parent has shown to be there for the child through thick and thin.

The next time you are having difficulty directing or affecting your child in the way that you would like to, ask yourself if in fact your child is aware of your complete commitment to them and the goings-on of their daily lives. If the answer is less than a resounding yes then you need to start working on this commitment. Commitment takes the form of constant concern, sacrifice, empathic listening, encouragement, emotional support and most importantly unconditional love. Put these first and then the ability to lead your child will now ready to happen. Avoid this law and you will never succeed in your attempts to lead.

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