LOVE AND ORDER - WHY LOVE ALONE IS NOT ENOUGH

By: Norman Tonelli, L.M.H.C.

 

“All you need is love”, the popular song by John Lennon espoused.  Love is the answer.  Love will find a way.  All of these sayings do refer to the most important ingredient in human interactions.  But contrary to what they imply, love is not enough - especially when it comes to effective parenting. I have observed many parents, both in my personal and professional life, who love their children profusely, but find themselves constantly in states of dysfunction and chaos.  It has become obvious to me that another very, very crucial factor is almost as necessary as love, and that is order.

The world is filled with children who are very loved, and very troubled.  It’s not that love is not the most important and necessary ingredient in the life of a child, but it does not make everything work.  For example, no one would argue that oxygen is the most important element to ones physical survival.  Despite this inarguable fact, breathing air is not enough to survive.  We need food, water, shelter etc.  So love, as primary as it is, is not enough.  Missing in the lives of many kids who fail at school, and in other dimensions of their lives, is the presence of order, ritual, organization and structure.  The world functions by certain rules. Certain things are done a certain way and at a certain time. Without the skills or willingness to follow those rules, kids will flounder.  Some of the building blocks of a child’s life that get too little focus include: Getting up on time, eating breakfast, having your clothes ready to put on, finding the homework from the night before, catching the bus on time, following the school academic and behavioral rules, getting your homework done after school, honoring curfew, getting to bed on time, and on and on…  Many well-loved and “taken care of” children fail to comply with many or all of the above healthy rituals.  As a practicing therapist, I have noticed that the failure to live by guidelines such as these has caused many kids and adults to experience serious life problems, despite high intelligence, or being loved.  What does this all imply?  As a parent, you need to model and teach your children the importance of organization in their lives.

 

Of course we all know the example of the child who lives in a very structured environment, filled with organization and ritual, but no warmth and affection.  This incomplete environment produces a dutiful yet emotionally empty child.  A child needs “oxygen” and “food”, so to speak.  Again, as a therapist for many years, I have witnessed many examples of children who have lived in foster homes where they were taken care of, placed within a well-organized, efficient home, but were not loved.  They’re implied protest seemed to be, “If you don’t love and commit to me I won’t make the sacrifice of joining your system.” Love & Order is the absolute dynamic duo of child rearing.

 

The definition of love was once inadvertently given to me by a 14-year-old foster child, who explained to me that despite the fact that her foster parents were very nice to her and cared for her wonderfully, she didn’t feel that they “loved” her.  When I pressed for an explanation she told me that it was clear that they “would die” for their own biological children, but that they wouldn’t do the same for her. She would not join this very functionally organized family in their lifestyle, and eventually left on bad terms.  In all fairness to this and many other wonderful foster parents, the level of emotional commitment had not been given enough time to develop.  In time they probably would have “died for her”.

  

What the above passage illustrates is that if one doesn’t feel loved, they probably won’t join the “system”.  On the other hand, if your favor is important to them, (and it usually is, if they feel loved by you) then they’ll want to preserve your favor by following your rules. It is important to note that in terms of priority, love always precedes order.

CALL OR E-MAIL TODAY FOR YOUR FREE SESSION.